confusion...denial...awareness and clarity.

Alice: The days following this experience were really mixed for me.  Part of me was ecstatic with excitement at our baby coming to join us. Part of me was disappointed that we hadn’t invited our baby in with a sacred conception ritual as we’d both intended, and part of me was doubting and confused…afraid to trust my deeper intuition and partly relieved to consider that we hadn’t conceived yet so we could still ‘set the stage’ to invite our baby in like we had originally planned.  My breasts were swollen, sore and tender which, combined with my mixed emotions, left me feeling very fragile and a bit disconnected and confused. 

My excitement was mixed with moments of doubt.  I felt different, softer, more open and vulnerable and really different within myself.  I had a total mental blank at the shop when I forgot my eftpos PIN which had never happened before, which triggered a deep inner knowing and excitement “I’m pregnant!” I’d also forgotten to pick up an essential ingredient for the night’s dinner and I felt so upset, emotional, overreacting, confused…I thought I must be pregnant!! But was I?

Brett: As multidimensional beings, the next few weeks were not as clear as the last blog suggests. There were other internal forces bringing forth denial, mistrust and confusion.  The desire to create a beautiful well-felt-into conception ritual was strong and valued by the both of us. My disappointment that this did not happen pinned some hopes on my mind’s passing thoughts “we don't really know if Alice is pregnant”, “The chances are unlikely, Alice’s deeper self would have wanted to wait for the perfect moment”, “there is no proof yet so...” and many other thoughts worthy of buying into, to avoid fully feeling the disappointment of a value I was so attached to. I mean, well it could have been true that Alice was not pregnant, right? hehhehee

Yes I giggle to myself now, yet I was surprised by the effects of being immersed in a belief that conscious conception needed to look a particular way given my awareness around beliefs, ontology, emotions and buying into unfounded passing thoughts.  Even feeling into my confusion at the time I had full awareness of the conception then flipped into denial. To be clear I was not denying the existence of our welcomed child, I was denying the need to express my disappointment. So for an interesting period of time I spent flipping around until it became undeniable.

Alice: After a week of this I was still swinging in a space of confusion which was a really unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to be in.  I was so excited at the prospect of having our baby within me that I was afraid to embrace it just in case it wasn’t really true, after all, we had no ‘proof’ did we?  I was afraid to feel the disappointment of having conceived without our ritual, like we were not fully honouring this divine being coming into our lives. After all the study I’ve done, the Birth of a New Earth Teacher Training, the Shamanic Midwifery and Wholistic Psychology…and doing a conscious conception with my last baby.  Conscious Conception is one of my passions, I would love every baby to be invited in consciously - how could I possibly have neglected to embrace this in my own life?  Oh it seemed like such a disaster!!!

So maybe, possibly I thought I’m not pregnant.  Hmm… I kept telling myself that.  In between sitting in bliss feeling so pregnant and glowing.  I was a split personality in two worlds at once.  The trusting part of me knowing and embracing the truth, the fearful, doubting part of me feeling disconnected and confused.  I decided to get a pregnancy test for some clarity, so 2 days before my period was due I did the test…and it was negative!  What?!! It didn’t make sense!  Why did I feel the way I did?  What was happening to me?  And part of me was relieved “Phew! We can do our conception ritual after all!”  That day I went to a 5 Rhythms style dance workshop which had my energy flowing all through my body and was amazing.  Afterwards I collapsed in tears, so disappointed and grieving that I wasn’t pregnant.  A deep sadness, a letting go.  Trusting it must be for the best, but I felt so sad and confused.

The next day I didn’t start bleeding.  Or the day after that.  Usually my cycle was like clockwork, so I started to get a bit excited.  By the third day I just knew I was pregnant.  I felt different, I felt so energetically opened, richer, deeper, vulnerable, feminine, sensitive.  Stupid test!  And why didn’t I trust myself in the first place, why was I in such a space of inner doubt? Gah such a mixture of strong feelings all mixed and overwhelming!  But just to make sure, I took another test even though I knew I didn’t need to. It was positive.

Brett: With the confirmation, we felt into how and what we could do to welcome our baby into our lives.  I had previously done some healing work involving reliving or recapitulating aspects of life. So I spoke with Alice about this, to create a conception ceremony that involved connecting with the part of our selves that were fully aware, fully present and understanding of welcoming a new life in.  Recapitulating can be a powerful way to re-story ourselves in a conscious way without denial of our multidimensions and as a way to acknowledge our higher selves in our life stories.

Alice: I felt excited that we could have a ritual to welcome in our baby and such a relief that our baby hadn’t missed out on something so important to both of us.  In our next post we will share our Conception Ceremony with you.

Conception...

 

Brett: Well there is no avoiding the topic of sex if we are going to share our experience of conception, ha. Close your eyes momentarily if this concerns you or you have minors nearby ;-) Recasting that time some 20 weeks ago and many experiences of sacred union together I am a little hazy. We had been trusting in natural fertility cycles and ejaculation choice, and trusting we would intuitively 'know' when to consciously conceive and welcome our baby in with a beautiful ritual. Greater forces seemed to have other plans.

Alice: The feeling of a soul wanting to come in was getting stronger, which admittedly brought up a few fears for me due to my previous experience. Don’t get me wrong, I was loving the feeling of new life coming in, but what concerned me was how it might shift our relationship, or maybe that Brett wouldn’t be so enthusiastic.  In my previous relationship things went really downhill once I had conceived my baby, so I was afraid of a similar thing happening again. 

My body was calling out loud and clear.  My breasts were getting really full and heavy and I hadn’t even ovulated yet!  Actually for a couple of months prior to conceiving our baby, my body was showing obvious signs of fertility and readiness for new life, particularly my very full and swollen breasts.  We had talked about consciously conceiving a baby and I was so relieved to hear from Brett that he had shifted some stuff and was open to new life coming in.  I was so excited at this possibility.  We intended to do a Conscious Conception ritual to welcome this new soul into our lives…because it was something really valuable for us to honour.  When we were both ready, there was no hurry.

Brett: During sacred union I am happy to go with the energy present when it comes to ejaculation choice.  What I mean by this is firstly this is different to ejaculation control that people may of heard about from books like “the multi-orgasmic man”, I am not controlling if I ejaculate or not, I am choosing if I share this with Alice.  What I mean when I say I go with the energy is that I may have several orgasms with no desire to ejaculate then some energy will be calling my seed forth.  There is usually an energetic pull from the woman's yoni particularly around the time of ovulation. My intentions were to be conscious of the time near ovulation and choose not too ejaculate until we were in a full conscious organised ritual for conception.  Other times I will feel a sense to share ejaculation and go with that during 'safe' times in the fertility cycle.

So, some 20 weeks ago, we were in sacred union and felt my energy head toward desiring to ejaculation.  I spoke this to Alice and consciously chose to ejaculate.  There was something different about the experience in the way the life force energy moved down my spine and out through my lingam.  Something hard for me to articulate now so far removed from that present moment.  This 'something different' inspired me to ask Alice “Hey when exactly is the full moon?”

Alice: Being in tune with my menstrual cycle, we had been safely using natural fertility and avoiding ejaculation around ovulation (which is amazing by the way…guys explore how to orgasm without ejaculating, it will blow your mind) A few times when we made love I really sensed another energy hanging around us, particularly around ovulation the month prior to conceiving.  Anyway, come the next full moon we were making love and I had this overwhelming sensation in the room, with an urgent almost screaming inner voice “There’s a baby coming in!!!” such a full-on experience which filled the space around me.  We hadn’t done our conscious conception ritual, we hadn’t even decided that we were ready yet.  But the feeling was unmistakable.  And part of me was opening to it, inviting it in, saying a big YES!! Another part of me was hesitant, wondering what would Brett think?  Is he ready?  Am I ready? And in the heat of the moment it wasn’t a discussion I was wanting to have…not now.  We were connecting deeply in beautiful sacred union and I felt so open, so ready, so excited at the possibility of having a baby together…even with the part of me that was hesitant, a deeper part of me knew it was happening.  It was time. Or was it?

The next morning I checked in with Brett about how he felt regarding new life coming in and I was SO relieved to hear that he was open to the possibility, ready for us to have a baby. Like I mean SO relieved.  And then we realised that it could have happened…and there was part of us that knew but also a part of us that was in denial because it wasn’t the way we’d planned it.  This will become clearer soon, but for now suffice to say we were both feeling a little unclear on the surface while at the same time a deeper part of us knew what was happening.  I was feeling a deep excitement and also a bit disappointed at not having done our conception ritual yet, so was not fully allowing myself yet to embrace conception…

Connecting in Loving Alignment...and Creating Space for New Life

As we are doing a shared blog, for simplicity's sake when Alice shares it will say 'Alice' in front, and when Brett shares it will say...er...'Brett'.  Excuse me for pointing out the obvious...pregnancy non linear brain just making sure...

Alice: It is my intention here to share deeply, openly, and intimately, my experience of love, conception, pregnancy, birth and parenting from a woman's perspective, when approached with conscious awareness.  I am so grateful to be deeply connected with Brett in this journey, particularly after my previous experience of being with someone so disconnected.  It excites me to be with such a wonderful man who is fully embracing this journey as much as I am! 

When Brett and I first got together, I had an overwhelming feeling of new life wanting to come into our lives...it seemed irrational yet I rationalised that it must be a natural biological response to being so loved up! It seemed a little premature to be considering having a baby with someone I just met, especially with my deep commitment to parenting being done in full loving consciousness.  There was such a deep feeling of connection and alignment that I knew Brett and I were in for an amazing journey together and a deeper part of me was connected to the extreme likelihood of us eventually having a baby together, and I was trusting our journey to unfold naturally in its own time.

It didn't take me long to share this with Brett, in alignment with our original intention to be transparent and share openly with each other.  It was early days and I wasn't suprised to hear a bit of hesitation from Brett.  Then after some time and connecting more deeply in a space of love together, we both came to embrace the feeling of a soul coming into our lives, and I will continue to share more about the next part shortly...and for now here's Brett...

Brett: I am really excited to share my experience with pregnancy and birth from a masculine perspective. There are some really wonderful insights that I have discovered for myself already about what it means to be a man relating with a pregnant partner, and I am really enjoying the journey.

Some of the keys Alice and I share in co-creating a bliss-filled space of love are alignment of values and sense of life purpose. Some of the core values are in a new paradigm of relationship that include freedom to be ourselves (shadow and all), conscious sexual polarity, transparency and unconditional love. It does not sound like such a new paradigm on the surface of these words until these values are experienced in their subtle richness. Our life together has been an experience of deep intimacy and ease with these shared values in place. I trust more will be revealed in this blog about what I am meaning here and the importance to the pregnancy and birthing journey. .

I am going to back track a little to pre-conception to begin. I made an unwitting agreement with myself after my second child was born I would not have any more children. This was not clear to me initially only that I had some resistance. After taking Alice out to a wilderness cabin for some intimate shamanic healing work, this became to clear to me and under that there was no resistance. I began living without the unwitting agreement I had made and began a shared growing sense of a soul wanting to come into our lives.