Alice: The days following this experience were really mixed for me. Part of me was ecstatic with excitement at our baby coming to join us. Part of me was disappointed that we hadn’t invited our baby in with a sacred conception ritual as we’d both intended, and part of me was doubting and confused…afraid to trust my deeper intuition and partly relieved to consider that we hadn’t conceived yet so we could still ‘set the stage’ to invite our baby in like we had originally planned. My breasts were swollen, sore and tender which, combined with my mixed emotions, left me feeling very fragile and a bit disconnected and confused.
My excitement was mixed with moments of doubt. I felt different, softer, more open and vulnerable and really different within myself. I had a total mental blank at the shop when I forgot my eftpos PIN which had never happened before, which triggered a deep inner knowing and excitement “I’m pregnant!” I’d also forgotten to pick up an essential ingredient for the night’s dinner and I felt so upset, emotional, overreacting, confused…I thought I must be pregnant!! But was I?
Brett: As multidimensional beings, the next few weeks were not as clear as the last blog suggests. There were other internal forces bringing forth denial, mistrust and confusion. The desire to create a beautiful well-felt-into conception ritual was strong and valued by the both of us. My disappointment that this did not happen pinned some hopes on my mind’s passing thoughts “we don't really know if Alice is pregnant”, “The chances are unlikely, Alice’s deeper self would have wanted to wait for the perfect moment”, “there is no proof yet so...” and many other thoughts worthy of buying into, to avoid fully feeling the disappointment of a value I was so attached to. I mean, well it could have been true that Alice was not pregnant, right? hehhehee
Yes I giggle to myself now, yet I was surprised by the effects of being immersed in a belief that conscious conception needed to look a particular way given my awareness around beliefs, ontology, emotions and buying into unfounded passing thoughts. Even feeling into my confusion at the time I had full awareness of the conception then flipped into denial. To be clear I was not denying the existence of our welcomed child, I was denying the need to express my disappointment. So for an interesting period of time I spent flipping around until it became undeniable.
Alice: After a week of this I was still swinging in a space of confusion which was a really unfamiliar and uncomfortable place for me to be in. I was so excited at the prospect of having our baby within me that I was afraid to embrace it just in case it wasn’t really true, after all, we had no ‘proof’ did we? I was afraid to feel the disappointment of having conceived without our ritual, like we were not fully honouring this divine being coming into our lives. After all the study I’ve done, the Birth of a New Earth Teacher Training, the Shamanic Midwifery and Wholistic Psychology…and doing a conscious conception with my last baby. Conscious Conception is one of my passions, I would love every baby to be invited in consciously - how could I possibly have neglected to embrace this in my own life? Oh it seemed like such a disaster!!!
So maybe, possibly I thought I’m not pregnant. Hmm… I kept telling myself that. In between sitting in bliss feeling so pregnant and glowing. I was a split personality in two worlds at once. The trusting part of me knowing and embracing the truth, the fearful, doubting part of me feeling disconnected and confused. I decided to get a pregnancy test for some clarity, so 2 days before my period was due I did the test…and it was negative! What?!! It didn’t make sense! Why did I feel the way I did? What was happening to me? And part of me was relieved “Phew! We can do our conception ritual after all!” That day I went to a 5 Rhythms style dance workshop which had my energy flowing all through my body and was amazing. Afterwards I collapsed in tears, so disappointed and grieving that I wasn’t pregnant. A deep sadness, a letting go. Trusting it must be for the best, but I felt so sad and confused.
The next day I didn’t start bleeding. Or the day after that. Usually my cycle was like clockwork, so I started to get a bit excited. By the third day I just knew I was pregnant. I felt different, I felt so energetically opened, richer, deeper, vulnerable, feminine, sensitive. Stupid test! And why didn’t I trust myself in the first place, why was I in such a space of inner doubt? Gah such a mixture of strong feelings all mixed and overwhelming! But just to make sure, I took another test even though I knew I didn’t need to. It was positive.
Brett: With the confirmation, we felt into how and what we could do to welcome our baby into our lives. I had previously done some healing work involving reliving or recapitulating aspects of life. So I spoke with Alice about this, to create a conception ceremony that involved connecting with the part of our selves that were fully aware, fully present and understanding of welcoming a new life in. Recapitulating can be a powerful way to re-story ourselves in a conscious way without denial of our multidimensions and as a way to acknowledge our higher selves in our life stories.
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